Deconstructing You

And there is that urge to write. Again. 

I ache to re open sensory channels that have been locked to shut out vulnerability and let emotions seep in and numb me down. And then I want to sit down and make sense of them. Today, I may just go past the sheer labour of this task and piece something together, no matter how shallow or illegible that is.

I want to deconstruct you today. Because a realization dawned in. I constructed you as a counter force- your balance against my tempestuousness, your practicality against my lack of it, the strength in your words against the vivid incoherence in mine. I realized today that my construction of you was a hedge against self destruction, an attempt to reorder chaos before it arrived.

I realized today that my hedge was wrong. That love is not an equation of risk minimization. That when this game is tried to conquer with mind, turbulence is often round the corner.

I went to the ocean today, deconstructed you and sank the pieces to the bottom. Once and for all. The effect was cathartic. 

When the wear goes away and I don't know how long that is going to take, I will construct another you. And this time, I am going to make sure it is invested with as much madness as I am.